Hana: Snapshot

Snapshot

 

 

*click*

There.

Your pretty blue eyes,

Your soft brown hair,

Your peachy skin,

Your cute little smirk.

I have it all.

All in the back of my mind.

 

It pains me to go back to that image.

So I push it farther back.

Nothing more than a petty picture...

 

*click click*

There.

Your soft lips pressing softly onto mine.

My first, I think,

First kiss.

I felt it all.

But now it's just in the back of my mind.

 

It pains me to remember those moments,

So I push it away 'til I nearly break my skull.

Nothing more than a stupid memory.

 

*click click click*

You know, you're just as gorgeous as I remember.

*click click click click*

No... No... Need to push it farther back...

*click click click click cli--*

Stop!

 

I look up--

Stare into the sun--

Until it sears my eyes,

And burns the pictures that I had left.

 

It pains me that I'm blinded again.

That I let myself get this way.

Over one single snapshot...





15 Minutes of Inspiration

     Before I go any further, I'd like to explain the title. I'm pretty sure that most people have heard the phrase "15 minutes of Fame". But I don't want that. I think that fame comes in different ways. For example, a model's 15 minutes of fame is 15 minutes in the clothes of the hottest new fashion designer. A reporter's 15 minutes might be the time that they get to cover the new current event that everyone is talking about. We all envision something different happening in those 15 minutes that we get. For me, it's being inspiring. That's right. 15 minutes of watching a person, another human being just like me, read what I write or look at my art and become inspired. That will be my 15 minutes of "fame" during my lifetime, if it ever happens.
     Now that I've explained, I'll continue on. I wonder how many other people share my dream. Just curious. I mean, I think that I may not be the only one. However I'm far from a psychic or any sort of genius, so eh. What do I know? I'm only 14, so despite how good my grades in school are I don't know a hell of a lot about this life that I have. Anyway, I hope that my writing is inspiring the couple of people that read these posts. I really hope that it is. Because that's what I live for: Inspiring people. I want to save people the way that I was saved. Sure I use fragments sometimes, and I don't always use punctuation in the right spots, and blah blah blah. But... isn't the message more important?
     I might be making a huge effort for nothing. But isn't making a huge effort to send an important message more important than making no effort just because I think that the odds of this situation aren't in my favor? It's impossible to know, but I'd choose the former over the latter.

 



Reading to Write

     I thought that it would be nice to take another break from writing Hana. It's really just an experiment with writing, to be quite honest with you. I can't wait to see what I end up doing with it. Anyways, I'm planning on writing an actual novel. Hana is my side project; the novel that I want to write is what I usually work on during the day. (Unless I'm procrastinating, which I usually am).
     So... I've been checking out a lot of books on writing from the public library and the library in my school. It's starting to make me wonder if books like that are actually beneficial to aspiring writers. I mean, think about it. Are you learning how to write like you, or are you learning how to write like that author? Not to say that NONE of the books are helpful, but I'd definitely think about that for a bit. I almost considered not reading anymore, since only one has been helpful, but I decided to get 4 or 5 more, just as an experiment.
     I really hope that these books work... If they do, then hopefully you'll see my poetry improving. ^-^

 

 



Hana: Contest

Contest

 

 

Today I entered

The daily contest;

The everlasting competition

That was burning me up.

Because I never won.

 

I walk into school.

Contestant 14 is flipping her hair back constantly

As a blonde strand brushes against her freshly applied lip gloss,

And a groan comes out of her mouth.

 

Contestant 8 is making that cute little pout

That men seem to love now;

She's trying to be cute...

Good grief... What a whiner...

 

He walks down the hall.

He's the beloved prize.

He's what everyone wants.

Except for me.

 

I slowly walk away.

But once he's seen you,

There's no forfeiting.

No disqualification.

 

All of the girls line up,

Smiling.

Flirting.

Faking.

Laughing.

Posing.

Pouting.

 

I try to look away.

Try not to draw attention to myself.

Yet he looks right at me.

And I know why.

 

He sees that girl

That he used to like.

Y'know, when he used to go for

"Real" girls.

He remembers that girl

Who he used to laugh with;

He used to make fun of

Those pouty attention seekers.

The fakers.

But hey.

 

Now he's as fake as anybody.

 

Today I entered

The daily contest,

The hopeless, pointless,

Endless competition.

 

The one that I'm secretly still trying to win...

 

 

 

Once you enter-

Once he sees you-

There's no forfeiting.

No chickening out.

Fine, deal with his bullshit...

 

It's what your brain says.

While your heart tries reminding you

Why you're competing in the first place.

 





Hana: Audience

Audience

 

I had the honor of being

The lovely audience to this

Horror.

 

With another set of people,

laughing at me starring in my own hopeless

Comedy.

 

All those pretty, plastic, perfect girls

Eagerly watch the performance,

Drooling over the star,

And laughing at that poor, hopeless girl.

 

All of those tall, muscled guys that hang around him

Know that they have a large number of spectators.

So they look to them, and when they get to me, shake their heads.

"Pfft. She doesn't have a chance..."

I saw it in their faces.

 

I am the audience,

The pathetic star whose name you can't remember,

The poor, hopeless spectator,

The fool girl getting laughed at.

It doesn't feel good; I am no masochist.

I do not like this at all, really.

 

I have the honor of being

The one-person audience

For the romance film that I didn't make the cut for.

I never even got halfway to the auditions.

 

The gorgeous actress flips her hair,

Biting her glossed bottom lip,

Acting cute.

Bitch... I say, Wait until he breaks you too, Barbie.

I grimace.

 

The group of long-haired, blue eyed, slender girls

Watch with jealousy, envy.

Then look to me

For that comedic relief

That my life is so good at producing.

 

All of those tall, tanned guys who are watching

Give him a high five.

He's the star, the king, the award-winning actor.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you this year's best faker...

Best pretender..." They're only saying "actor" to be nice.

That's what I mutter to myself,

Attempting not to hurt the audience.

 

I am the audience

And boy, isn't that a pain in the butt.

The fan that wants what she can't have.

Stayed for the whole darn series, bought all the posters, liked all the pictures,

But never has a chance.

I'm slightly used to it now.

I'm no masochist,

But my optimism for being pessimistic is getting in the way.

 

 

I had the honor of being the audience to the final performance.

What's that, the plot twist?

When Barbie cries, when she feels my pain?

 

"Here Barbie," I say to myself, "Have a front row seat."

 

 

 

 

 

 



Fangirling Over Ashe

   All right guys, today I'm gonna talk about Ashe. You might have already heard him sing on YouTube. He sounds GORGEOUS. I seriously don't know why he's not famous yet. He's done English versions of Japanese songs, regular versions of Japanese songs, a couple original songs, acoustic versions of regular English songs... He's really amazing.

 

 

Hope you listen to him! <3

(sorry for such a short post, just thought you should know about this talented man.)



Hana: Madly

Madly

 

If only he knew

How madly in love

I really was.

 

The small, chilly pricks to my skin.

The soft, pink flush to my cheeks.

The warm, fuzzy halo around my heart.

 

He was my first.

My last.

My only love.

If only he knew...

 

I remember

How madly in love

I used to be.

 

The cute, carefree laughter.

The sweet, silly conversations.

The romantic, flirtatious gestures.

 

He was the only one that I thought could be right for me.

Yet the last one that I want to think of.

He burned our memories.

If only he understood...

 

I try to forget

How madly in love

We once were.

 

The beautiful, long kisses.

The soft, warm hugs.

The endless, comfortable cuddling.

 

He was the first to hold my heart,

But I'll make sure that he's the last to crush it.

He ruined me...

If only he could put two and two together...

 

I feel so stupid

For how madly in love

I am right now.

 

That soft, pale skin.

Those gorgeous, icy eyes.

That silky, lovely long hair.

 

He's the only person that can make me feel this bad.

I know this won't be the last time that I feel this way.

I let him walk all over me.

That's what happens when you love someone

 

Madly....

 

 



Hana: Deja vu

Deja vu

Saw him again.

I swear that I saw

That same smile that he smiled,

That same smile that he smiled that night.

I swear to God, it hasn't changed.

Blink my eyes,

One, two seconds...

That smile again...

 

Getting sad again.

I swear that I can see

Those long slender fingers,

Those long slender fingers that feel so good intertwined with mine.

I swear to God, they haven't changed.

Blink my eyes,

One, two, three seconds...

Those hands again...

 

Getting happy again.

I swear that I can see

Those soft, full lips,

Those soft, full lips that were placed so gently onto mine.

I swear to God, they look just as kissable.

Blink my eyes,

One, two, three, four seconds...

Those lips again...

 

Walking away again.

I swear that I can see

Him turning around now.

Turning around, finally noticing my existence.

I swear to God, he hasn't changed.

Close my eyes,

One, two, three, four, five seconds...

Why isn't he gone yet?

 

Getting angry again.

I swear that I can see

A sad look in his eyes.

A sad look in his eyes that I know he's faking.

I swear to God, he's still an idiot.

Look away,

One, two, three, four, five, six seconds...

Can he stop being stupid?

 

Getting tricked again.

I swear that I can see

That tempting smile of his.

That tempting smile of his that's trying to deceive me.

I swear to God, he's still a jerk.

Distracting myself,

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven seconds...

Stop!

 

Surrendering again.

I swear that I can see

A twinkle in his eyes.

A twinkle in his eyes that makes me want him.

I swear to God, he's still gorgeous.

Pretending not to notice,

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight seconds...

Oh no...

 

Getting lovesick again.

I swear that I can see

The dirty thoughts in his mind.

The dirty thoughts in his mind that made my cheeks flush.

I swear to God, he's still perverse.

Staring at the ground,

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine seconds...

Damn you...

 

Got fooled again.

I swear I just saw

That same horrid girl.

That same horrid girl that he left me for.

I swear to God, I'm such an idiot.

Crying as I leave,

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten seconds...

 

Seeing her was like deja vu.

 

 



Today Was A Fairytale

     Hi! I know that I said that I would be writing my story... and posting it for the next 2 or 3 weeks. Which is true. But I like this little blog... it's starting to grow on me a bit, even though I've only posted a few things. I think that I should post things in between the Hana poems, just in case you get tired of reading that. Tonight, even though I'm only 14, I'd like to talk about love. Not a crush, and not "puppy love". Just because I'm young doesn't make the feeling any less qualified. So please... Try to have an open mind. I believe that as long as you have some maturity, love doesn't have an age limit. (Maybe, but not a very large one.)

     (I'm sorry that I'm not good with adding pictures to the text... I'll figure that out later.)

 

    Anyway... I know that I'm in love right now. To be quite frank about it, most teenagers these days aren't focused on every boy in the world. They're focused on that one cute guy in math class, or that really sweet, kind boy that sits next to you in English. I mean... It just happened. I would LOVE to spend all day with this lovely boy. He will probably never find this blog... But if he does... He WILL know who he is. :)

     Well, I just think that it's amazing that I already know this feeling at such a young age. I think that we do want to fall in love while we're young... We all saw those princess movies, right? Disney. Yeah, you know the ones that I'm talking about. Didn't we all want the fairy godmother, and the ball gown, and the glass slipper? And we can't forget about the biggest dream that came after that -- finding Prince Charming. We all wanted that right? We think "Hey, if Cinderella can find him, so can I, right?" Ah, but alas... When we get older... Even just during high school... We realize that magic isn't as believable as it used to be. Maybe... Maybe wishing on that star isn't as great as it used to be. I mean... did we all just give up after awhile? I think so.

 



     I'll be willing to bet that most girls did. God bless anyone who can hold onto the magic... It really is something special once you find out that it's really there. I'm still shocked, because... it's reality. I thought... I thought that it was all pretend; all fairytale. But it's not. There's something almost comforting about looking back on my younger self. I always wanted to be Rapunzel, with that long, pretty hair. I used to hate my hair. It's a curly, dark brown, frizzy mess. I always wanted piles and piles of chocolate coils cascading down my back and onto the floor... Ah, don't you just love imagination?

      You know, love has something special about it. Different from a crush. I've heard people say that it's called a crush because of how it feels when your love is unrequited. However, I think that real love is more. Now that I love him, I don't need him to be with me to be happy. I need him to be happy before I can be happy. It's okay if that means being with another girl, as long as he's happy. I think that's what love is about.

     Nothing better than a teenage girl ranting about love late at night, huh? I know what you guys must be thinking. And yes, I suppose it is a bit past my bedtime. :)

 
 



Hana: The Beginning

 This is the first "chapter" of Hana... Hope you like this beginning poem! :) If you take the time to read this, then please give feedback; I'll endure any amount of harsh criticism if it'll make me a better author in the end. Enjoy.

The Beginning



 

I ripped all of them off,

One by one,

Each one died a

Frail

Little

Death.

Kept my tongue bitten,

My mouth shut,

Just tearing, tearing.

 

"Love me or not?"

It was stupid to ask.

Stupid to think that

He would really last forever.

(Doesn't everything wilt?

That's my understanding.)

 

I watched them all blow away,

One by one,

Each carried by the wind in a

Cold

Frigid

Breeze.

Kept my thoughts silent,

My feelings hidden,

Just blowing, blowing.

 

"Love me or not?"

It was naïve to ask.

Stupid to believe that

Love can really last forever.

(Don't we all get blown away?

It's what I have speculated.)

 

He watched my hope wilt away,

Bit by bit,

My heart breaking into

Black

Jagged

Fragments.

Silently laughing,

He rudely stares.

Just watching, watching.

 

"Are you leaving or not?"

He was stupid to ask.

Stupid not to realize

That I was already out the door.

(I guess he just glanced away?

That's what I assumed.)

 

Memories eat away at me,

Piece by piece,

My happiness devoured by

That

Damn

Cheater.

Depression is lurking,

Misery is company.

Just eating, eating.

 

"Did he love me or not?"

Is it stupid to ask?

Stupid to ask

What his feelings really were?

(Could it have been real...?

Maybe I was wrong.)

 

Ugh, giving myself a headache,

With every thought,

Becoming a

Confused

Lovesick

Girl.

My heart has sunk.

Was I... wrong?

(Not possible...)

Just aching, aching.

 

I ripped all of them off,

One by one,

Each one died a

Frail

Little

Death.

Kept my tongue bitten,

My eyes shut,

Just crying, crying.

 

 

 

 

 

Hana: New Story Idea

     Hi guys! Um, I've decided to start a kind of a story here... It's not a regular story. It's going to be in the form of lengthy poems put together. So instead of posting a regular short chapter or something, I'll make it in the form of poems, and each lengthier poem can serve as a "chapter", I suppose. Now to my understanding, (please correct me if I just so happen to be wrong), in Japanese, "hana" roughly translates to "flower". When I think of flowers... I think of delicate, messy, innocent, naïve love. Why? Flowers look pretty. They blow in the wind, and they're bursting and blossoming with color. However, no matter how long they carelessly get blown by the wind, they will wilt and die either way.
     I know it sounds like a depressing thing to say... but it represents the essence of young love to my liking, so I decided to use that as the title. Also, there was always the one girl in the movie or book picking petals off of flowers. You've heard it too, right? "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me..." We give roses to the ones we love. We have flowers with interesting names too, like Baby's Breath, Morning Glory... Forget-Me-Not. I love the way that flowers are connected with love, and I hope that you like the series of poems that I come up with. I'll probably be posting them for the next 2 weeks or so, so I hope you find them interesting. :)

My Poem: Society's Child

 

Society's Child

 

Her beauty was faux,

But her beasts were painfully real...

Her skin was painted

With beautiful, filtered colors.

 

She was society's mess.

Their beloved product.

Society's baby, that they all gawked at

So proudly,

While she took her first steps.

 

Their little baby.

Taking her first steps.

Those first steps that everybody had on camera,

Yet never showed the times that she had fallen before.

 

Maybe they were happy

When their little girl

Kept that measuring tape glued to her waist.

 

Maybe they were happy

When their baby girl

Had slit her wrist to break her habits.

 

She was society's mess.

Their hard-earned treasure.

Society's child, that they now look away from,

So ashamed,

While they realize what they've done.

 

Their little girl.

All grown up.

The girl that no one talks about anymore,

Because she is proof of their mistake.



Latest Ear Candy

     Hi guys! (If anybody even actually reads these posts.) It's been too cold to do outdoor activities, and I decided to take a break from writing... During that break, I decided to indulge in satisfying my latest addiction: Music. Usually I'm a fan of hard rock, but it seems that I've been liking some more alternative songs lately.
     I'm absolutely addicted to anything by Arctic Monkeys, The Neighbourhood, and Lana Del Rey right now. To be quite honest, I played "Do I Wanna Know?" on repeat about twenty times this afternoon... The bass in that song sends chills down my spine. And "Sweater Weather" has been on my playlists for awhile; the sound of The Neighbourhood is lovely. I don't know who that lead singer is, but he's got one heck of a singing voice.
     Speaking of amazing voices, Lana Del Rey anyone? That voice is absolutely enchanting. It's haunting and floating and smooth and warm and bursting with emotion. The mix is nearly poisonous, I swear. If you have a musical sweet tooth, then you'll probably love her if you don't already. "Summertime Sadness" made some people unwilling to listen to her music. But one listen to the song "Carmen" made my heart swell with feeling. The things that her songs say are all of the things that we are afraid to say.
     But then again, who am I to start being a music critic? Just thought I'd give you a few suggestions.

Monsters and Voices

     We all deal with monsters, don't we? They try attacking us every second of the day. Procrastination. Addiction. Temptation. Habit. Depression. Temper. Disorder. Perfectionist. If you aren't familiar with these monsters--If you aren't regularly pestered by them-- Then my lord, you must be lucky. I'm sure that at least one of them has gripped your brain; made you sweat. If you haven't gotten a visit from Procrastination yet, then you must be pretty darn good. And god bless the people that dismiss Temper, because isn't she hard to deal with?
      I've never really understood why these beasts love to hurt us, or how we let them get so tangled up within our lives. We're so intertwined with them, so intricately interwoven, that we don't even notice them sometimes. We live by them. Hell, sometimes we invite them to torture us. Do we have a better choice? Maybe. But maybe not.
      Then we have those god-awful voices. It's like a party in that brain of yours, when they feel like doing so. Half of them are arguing with each other, a few seem to be drunk, and the rest are scattered all over our mind doing god knows what. Intellect. Emotion. Love. Instinct. Reason. Patience. Impulse. Lust. They're all doing their own thing in there, aren't they? For all of you that can handle listening to Reason all day, you deserve some sort of an award. Because listening to Reason is listening to a complete and total ass sometimes. It's just that it's one of the voices that knows what it's talking about.
       Maybe you guys aren't affected by the monsters and voices. Maybe you don't know who I'm talking about. Maybe these guys are daily visitors. I really don't know. But I have a feeling that at least one other person knows what I'm talking about. If you don't... Then maybe you should ponder it for awhile. Just food for thought.

    

Resolutions For 2014

     I always get excited when the new year comes around. Some people think that it's just one more year, and the only real difference is the date that you write on the top corner of your homework. However, I'm one of those people who thinks that a new year really can be a fresh, clean slate. I mean, I don't even start high school until the end of this year. So why not try to change for the better? I believe in resolutions.
     This started when I was little. I'm not going to elaborate on this too much, since I know that I should get to the point, but whenever it was this time of year I would watch my favorite Winnie-The-Pooh DVD. It was a combination of a Christmas episode and a New Year's episode, and that's when I got the idea that maybe I COULD make a resolution, or maybe several resolutions. So, here are the ones that I made for 2014.

• Stay positive.
• Think before I speak.
• Make new friends.
• Be a better girlfriend for my boyfriend Tj.
• FINALLY write a book from start to finish.
• Let my creative juices flow despite my level of depression.

     So... Those are some of the things that I came up with. I really do hope that 2014 is a really good year for everybody.